Its always busy around here. If you check back in often to read the blog you’ll know that. Feels like I start off just about every post with that statement lol. Being a 19-10-1 personality in Tarot (for those who don’t know check out the free birth card calculator from the Tarot School to read more about what they are and calculate your own), I am a Sun, Wheel of Fortune, Magician salad at my core. It seems like all my life no matter how many plans I make, everything is always changing at hyper speed.
That’s one reason its always a little amazing to me when something I intend to create actually makes it to fruition, like City Mystic, for instance. With so much heightened natural flux around me, the only creations that seem to make it to a completion point are creations I’m REALLY committed to. But then again, maybe that’s why I have an all-or-nothing personality… or maybe the change is so dramatic because I have an all-or-nothing personality. Its one of those chicken/egg discussions I suppose.
Taking all of this into account, I am enjoying a moment to reflect back on the last 3 months, which, rest assured, have been WILD, and also to share what’s nearing completion on the horizon. Its juicy stuff! I kicked off the season with a breakup, which has been HARD. Obviously, Chris and I once did everything together. To have embarked on so much magick alone has been an added layer of madness around here…
I wanted to take the time to share my experiences leading up to, commencing and completing the shooting of City Mystic • Paris, my next deck, coming late this Summer to Kickstarter. I wanted to share, because, well, they are the makings of a dramedy that I honestly could not make up myself. So much magick has gone into the creation of this deck… captured in the midst of one of the most intense Mercury Retrogrades most of us have ever experienced.
So do enjoy this multi-part series exploring the often maddening, sometimes heartbreaking, altogether magickal story that is the birth of City Mystic • Paris…
Part 1: Falling Upward
It began with my trip to the Reader’s Studio in NYC (you can see a video blog I did from my hotel room here), which was a deep initiation for me. At the commencement of the convention we did a group ceremony of writing our intentions on a little card and taping a small metal sun charm to the card. My intention was to stand in my own power and inhabit myself fully. I still have it… it sits along side my cards in my City Mystic • New York deck at all times actually.
You know that old cliched saying, “be careful what you wish for”? Yeah. That. I had no idea what I was initiating myself into . SO many nuanced synchronicities, symbols, divine messages and stirrings have been with me through the season that there are simply too many to list, but each one has been an invitation to go further and deeper into that intention, and there’s no letting up in sight.
After New York things really heated up at home, and the break up went from amicable to difficult. At the same time I was gearing up to shoot City Mystic • Paris. The breakup put a real strain on those plans as we had made financial compromises as a couple to make the trip happen. No longer being a couple and not exactly getting along meant I needed to make alternate sleeping arrangements, and FAST on a zero budget.
Thanks to many of you who so generously support the birth of City Mystic • Paris, I was able to raise enough funds on GoFundMe to make the trip happen despite the changes. It was a mountain in and of itself to manifest funding for the trip… but oh how little did I know that those challenges were just the beginning…
The day came to fly across the world, and to say things were awkwardly tense is an understatement. After making a last minute stop to my local camera shop Crhis and I embarked on our journey to Paris. Together but not at all together.
I sat for a long car ride alongside my former partner and all the sadness of our shared reality came crashing down on me. For two, long, agonizing hours I thought of all the plans I’d made in my mind about our trip to Paris together before the breakup. I thought about romantic breakfasts on the patio of the private apartment we rented on the cusp of Montmartre. I thought of my fantasy late nights spent setting up my tripod along the Sienne and catching long-exposure shots while snuggling and kissing in the romantic moonlight. I thought of the delicious food and wine, the inside jokes, and the humor of receiving the wrath of the French being two tattooed vagabond-looking Americans. I thought of all the hard moments and how we’d be there together, through it together, supporting each other. And then I thought of none of those things happening. I had been working so hard and been in a constant state of survival since my return from New York that the sadness and emotional overwhelm didn’t hit me until that car ride to the airport. None of those fantasies was to come true now. Things had gone too far, gotten too tangled, become too toxic. There was no recovering the fantasy. My heart broke in a hundred thousand pieces and I was a quiet weepy mess all the way from Sacramento to San Francisco.
I was gearing up to spend 18 hours traveling side-by-side with the very person tied most intimately to my heartbreak. To say the journey looked bleak is an understatement. By the time we reached long term parking I had lost all control of my tears. They wouldn’t stop flowing. Through the long, stranger-infested shuttle bus ride from SFO’s long term parking lot all the way to the International gate, my eyes defiantly soaked my face with tears, despite my constant “don’t cry, don’t cry, don’t cry” mantra.
Thing is, crying in general is pretty atypical of me, especially this type of crying, and especially this type of crying in public. I was so embarrassed, so sad, so NOT looking forward to Paris, honestly.
And then, like a great big giant rain cloud from the sky, things reached an all out flooding-point when I went to check in for my flight, only to be told I could not be allowed on because my Passport was expired. First my heart broke on the car ride down, then my gut caved like I’d been punched by a heavy weight boxer. The agent informed me that my only hope of rebooking was to first obtain an expedited passport the next day in downtown San Francisco.
So, within minutes I went from a silently crying sad lady to an all-out weeping mess in the airport. I only had about 2 minutes to awkwardly say goodbye to my ex, and haul my heavy bags back to his car in long-term parking. When I got there I lost it. I struggled to understand what could possibly be the meaning of this fiasco. I had literally been looking at my passport for MONTHS thinking it was a great thing we scheduled the trip for Spring, since it was going to expire in Summer. Except I had read the dates wrong for all those months, and it had expired Summer of last year. Ugh.
I was so angry with myself. I was so confused. Then I became afraid that maybe this was my guides protecting me from some sort of terrible disaster. What if my ex was going to die on that plane??? (Did I mention I can be a bit dramatic? 😉 ). After leaving the airport, I found a place to park, called my bestie and did some really important past-life releasing work with her which helped me to feel much better. But the hard part had only just begun, although I had no idea. Just a lot of optimism and a ton of energetic support. It would take miracles to get me to Paris in one piece.
More on the past life work, my night in San Francisco and the looooooong road to Paris in Part 2! Stay close!
Thanks for reading, and until next time, take the very best care of your spirit.